Why on earth do we fall in love with another person?

When we are asked why we like or love our current partner, many people will look innocent and be overwhelmed and say, “I don’t know what the reason is.” But please think about it carefully. Haizhong, why do you choose to be with your partner among so many people you know?
When we are asked why we like or love our current partner, many people will look innocent and be overwhelmed and say, “I don’t know what the reason is.” But please think about it carefully. Haizhong, why do you choose to be with your partner among so many people you know?

Hollywood love movies tell us: “Loveisblind.”

But psychologists tell you: “Love is not only not blind, but also very explainable.” The most domineering psychologist I have ever heard said is: “Tellmewhoyoulove, and I’lltellyouwhoyouare.”

Today Joy wants to explain to you with the most scientific psychological principles why we fall in love with another person.

Why do we fall in love with someone

1. Each of us wants to see our own existence in this world objectively

Professor Nathaniel Branden, the most senior psychologist who studies self-esteem in the United States, explained it this way: Just like we see everything, we want to “see” ourselves as real in the world. The physical form of this “real existence” is easy to see because we just need to look in the mirror. One of the important reasons why we like to look at ourselves in the mirror is that the mirror allows us to feel our own objective existence at the conscious level.

But there is a part of ourselves that we cannot “see” directly, and this part is our soul. Our thoughts, values, beliefs, etc. can be reflected to some extent through what we achieve, such as a picture we paint or a building we design, but our whole soul cannot be in this world In physical form, it’s something that’s very disturbing to us.

So how can our souls be “seen” like other real matter?

Only through another being as conscious as we are! If this person can “see” our soul, and by interacting with us, reflect back to us what they see in their eyes, we know that our soul is visible like all other real objects. In other words, others, like a mirror, can shine into our soul. And we need such a mirror to see our soul, which really exists in this world, just as we know that our body is real when we look in the mirror.

2. The principle of psychological visibility

Professor Nathaniel Branden pointed out that the reason why we fall in love with a person for a long time (short-term does not count, because short-term may be due to some wrong reasons) is essentially because of his “psychological visibility principle”. Like a mirror, if your soul is truly seen by a person, you will fall in love with that person. When you find that when others see us in the same way as our truest selves see ourselves, and they show that understanding of us by what they say and do about us, we have a sense of A deep sense of being “seen”.

for example. First of all, we assume that you have a relatively mature psychology and a relatively correct self-awareness, and then you feel that you are an optimistic, lively, cheerful, enthusiastic, brave and very confident person. This is when you meet someone who is pessimistic, closed, unenthusiastic and very insecure. How do you feel when he sees your self-confidence as an aggression and doubts the intentions of everything you say and do, always feeling like you’re trying to manipulate him? You may feel confused, puzzled and deeply misunderstood and misunderstood. In another case, when you express yourself very confidently, and then another person immediately understands your confidence and calmness, and smiles at you knowingly, how does he feel to you? You will feel like you are “seen” by him. This is what we call the feeling of being seen.

There is another important reason why we love another person: by loving you, I see myself.

Not only do we experience a strong sense of closeness when we meet someone who thinks what we think, discovers what we find, values ​​what we value, and responds the same way we do in different situations. It will feel that through this person, we see ourselves. When you discover that all those beliefs, values, qualities, traits, and behaviors that define who you are are manifested in another person, you’ll have the feeling of recognizing “you” in her. That’s why we look for people who are fundamentally similar to us (we’ll talk about complementary attractiveness later).

As another example, suppose you are someone who has high self-esteem, who feels that everyone has unlimited potential, that your life is full of possibilities, and that the world responds to your efforts, talents, and talents. When you meet someone who also sees the world as someone who is responsive to all her efforts, gifts and talents, has high self-esteem, and believes in her own infinite possibilities, you have another genuine appreciation, and she Every move you make will remind yourself: these things about her are the things I cherish the most about myself.

3. Psychological visibility and self-exploration

In fact, our psychological visibility is always a matter of degree. From our childhood, we have been gradually learning more about ourselves through our interactions with others. Every child is more or less “seen” in the family, because a child who is not seen cannot survive at all. But there are countless children who feel insecure or inadequate in their adult relationships because of being invisible in the family.

Psychological visibility actually opens the door to our self-exploration. We constantly deepen our self-knowledge in our various interactions with others, but nothing increases our self-knowledge more than intimacy. In an intimate relationship where we are actually seen, we constantly discover ourselves that we didn’t realize before, or that we haven’t surfaced—the ones we didn’t discover, the potentials we lurked, the ones we never realized expressed character traits, etc.

for example. For example, if your partner is a person who is better connected with your body and your emotions than you are, then when you are with her, you will also unconsciously explore your connection with your body and your emotions. ; For example, if your partner is a person who expresses his inner child naturally, and you are a person whose inner child is suppressed, if your partner tells you: darling, I see that child in your heart, and If you are encouraged to express it, you will most likely be able to express the child you couldn’t express before.

One of the best things about a mature intimacy is when you are doubting yourself and your partner says to you: Honey, please don’t pretend you don’t know you can do it, please be yourself!

I remember when I first learned to swim, swimming 2000 meters every time was a very daunting thing, but a little friend said to me when I was very doubtful about myself: “Joy, don’t pretend you don’t It can be done, I know you can.” At that moment he saw himself that I didn’t even see, and I realized that I could. At that moment, I was seen.

In loving you, I met myself

This is an important reason why we fall in love with another person for a long time and remain in love with this person.

Because in your eyes, I see myself in my eyes;

Because in you, I see my own shadow;

Because you really see me, and keep letting me discover a new self;

I love you, because in your eyes, I really found the feeling of my existence in this world.

In loving you, I met myself.

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