I still remember the embarrassment when the conversation turned to me. I? What can I say? I work? – Don’t like it, don’t want to say, my plan? – I don’t know, what is my pride? What do I want to do? what do I like? What makes my blood boil? When I was in love before, his pride was my pride. He liked more than I liked. I was excited for his enthusiasm and happy for his happiness. Now without him, I find myself tragically pale. Suddenly I felt a pressure in my chest, and there was a life I had never experienced.
At that moment, I realized that my day and night insomnia and anxiety were not completely mourning the lost love, but a panic of my own nothingness. What I am really afraid of is that there is a window in my life that is closed so hard that I can never see the light of the outside world from there. But I forgot, I also have a hoe, I just need to lift it up and do it myself to break the barrier between myself and the outside world. The color of life is ultimately painted by oneself.
At the same time, I also understand why every relationship of mine has ended without any reason for various reasons. How can a person who has no self and desires to fill his own void with the enrichment of others can be charming? Even if I succeed in disguising at first, my heart will be full of uncertainty, and I will eventually reveal my fault.
Since then, the phrase “be yourself first, then reap the love” has been deeply imprinted in my mind, and I have started to read many books on self-exploration, spend time away from electronic products and other people, and only get along with myself, all for the sake of Rediscover yourself. Under the double pressure of the temptation to stimulate dopamine and the expectations of the outside world, we may all believe in ourselves wearing a mask, thinking that it is the real face.
I found that if I had done this earlier, I might not have had to choose a major that ran counter to my character when I went to college, and I might have been able to do a job that fulfilled my full potential and suited me now. Now, I understand that at that time I was just being experienced by life, rather than actively choosing life and experiencing my life.
Second, I started monitoring my thoughts and emotions as a way to warn myself not to do things that would disgust me and reduce my sense of self-worth. For example, in my opinion, it’s something that makes me loathe myself to be with someone obviously knowing that I’m alone for reasons, but usually succumbing to the power of loneliness, it’s hard to resist such company.
In the past, I would be ecstatic because of the loving eyes of my sweetheart, but I hope that in the future, I can have a sense of joy that comes from the bottom of my heart, not because of his loving eyes, not because others praise me today How pretty, not because I bought a new lipstick, but just because I am who I am.