It took me more than 20 years to identify myself as gay

In this world, there is never empathy, some just understand each other without disturbing each other.
I can’t recognize you, but I still defend your right to be yourself.

In India, if a baby elephant is tied to a stake, after many ineffective struggles and unable to escape, it will automatically give up and stand there obediently, regardless of whether there are people around or no one around. Even though it grew tall and big, and the little stake would be pulled out with a slight pull with its nose, it still stood there as tame as a child, not even trying to escape and pulling out the stake. Just because it has believed that escape is an impossible thing.

“God Bless Bobby” is a movie that I put in my favorites when I was in college. It was only opened today after 10 years. Involuntarily, I remembered the story of the elephant and the stake I read a long time ago. In life, when you stop trying to explore cognition on the way forward, in the days after that, this stake will already be your destination.

In the short 20 years of Bobby’s life, I believe that he has always known his homosexual identity, but this self-knowledge made him afraid to dodge, and wanted to bypass this identity that his family and friends could not accept and continue a seemingly peaceful life, but After the accidental “coming out of the closet by my brother”, I can no longer return to calm. His father’s indifference, his mother’s aggressiveness, his family’s incomprehension, he hides his repression and obeys his mother’s wishes to see a psychiatrist, go to church to pray, go to the appointment arranged by his mother, and try all these things that the family thinks will help him “change back”. “Normal person” method, but let him realize more deeply what he really is like. In the end, he chose to stay away from home. Although the boyfriend he met in a foreign country made him feel happy, his inner desire for family approval was always suppressed. Until he saw his boyfriend holding another boy’s hand and laughing all the way out of the bar, he lost his worries and chose to commit suicide.

In the movie, Bobby’s mother repeated a sentence: I can’t lose you because of this.

Everyone is afraid of losing, but what is really lost? Who is really lost? The perfection that Bobby has been envied by his brothers and sisters in Dalian since he was a child is the pride of his mother, but because of his homosexual identity, those integrity, kindness, and humility are gone after this identity is revealed. The rest are just gay labels. In a situation where the other good qualities are covered by a label, what Bobby has lost is not his whole world?

From the movie God Bless Bobby
Mother’s fear comes from religious belief, from society, from life background, from incomprehension and prejudice. She felt that the disease “homosexuality” had killed her son and made him no longer normal. As everyone knows, her so-called “normal state” of her son in the 20 years before this was the son’s real abnormality, a disguise for him to integrate into the family and society. It takes a lot of courage for Bobby to face and accept the fact that his mother doesn’t admit his true self. But even those who possessed such courage were not able to persevere in the end.

The perfect image of Bobby in the eyes of the family is like a small stake beside an elephant, and Bobby is like an elephant who has been restrained by stakes all his life. Maintaining this image suppresses his true self.

Or, the misunderstanding and prejudice against homosexuality are the small wooden stakes that are really stuck in the hearts of many opponents.

The outlook on life and the world that everyone builds is based on their life experiences, growing environment, educational background, family background and so on. Therefore, everyone’s acceptance of homosexuality is different. But how many people have to find out or confirm whether homosexuality is wrong before taking a stand against homosexuality? Homosexuality doesn’t want power, nor does it want “the world is united”, and it doesn’t want to cut off the road of human reproduction. All we want is to be recognized as a natural phenomenon, just as the seahorse is different in that its young are delivered by males. We are no different, we are just a naturally existing minority, and our numbers are much higher than what the existing statistics suggest.

Aside from the ending, Bobby’s mental journey along the way is like the experience of most gay people growing up, and I was no exception.

Awareness of one’s own sexuality begins in kindergarten. When Tong Yan Wuji, the most beautiful girl in the class, said that she was going to marry so-and-so, I thought to myself: “This little girl is so beautiful, it would be great if I could see her every day.” , I didn’t realize it, this is like, this is different, this is nature.

As I grew up, I gradually discovered that I was a strange existence in the crowd. All adolescent girls are looking forward to the attention of handsome guys, but I am envious of handsome guys, who can win the favor of many girls without doing anything. So, I also started to dress neutrally, cut my hair short, and didn’t like to wear skirts. When I was in junior high school, a girl in my class who had just transferred schools said to me, “If you are a boy, I will definitely pursue you to be my boyfriend.” My subconscious reaction was: Is it okay to be a girlfriend? This thought made me panic for a moment, but it was like drinking daigo.

It turned out that even if I looked like a boy, I would not be favored by so-called girls. It turns out that the reason why the girl subconsciously attracts attention is not because of the desire for friendship, but because of the expectation of love. And my expectations, from childhood to adulthood, without exception, are all girls.

Turns out, I’m gay.
The seriousness of these three words to teenagers made me secretly sleepless for a long time. Maybe, this is just a temporary thing? In the next few years, I also tried to get in touch with boys, but without exception, they all died before they could be together. Annoyed, worried, afraid, is there something wrong with me? How can I not let my parents know this fact? Am I going to have to keep secretly carrying this secret all the time? What do I do next? These unrecognizable questions always surrounded me before college, and I was afraid to leave browsing records even when I checked online. This inferiority complex has always accompanied me into college.

Grateful that our university is the most tolerant place for gay people. This tolerance, in the first half year of college, let me know that same-sex couples can hold hands and embrace each other calmly in a large audience. Others don’t have too different eyes on this, and the classmates and friends around me are even more friendly and sincere. With blessings and support. After consulting a large amount of information, the dull pains that have been with him for a long time gradually disappeared. It turns out that same-sex love will also be approved and supported by people.

Thanks for the half-year exchange student experience in the United States during the university, let me know:

It turns out that there is such a society in the world that will not exclude and isolate you because of your difference, but will embrace you because of your honesty.

Although I don’t know how long it will take to achieve equal rights for homosexuals, but seeing all kinds of news in recent years, the recent issue of legalizing same-sex marriage into the Civil Code, the society has always been constantly learning about our group, and is constantly approaching us. Like at the end of the movie, Bobby’s mother sobbed: “My son has been different since he was a child. It turned out that he was not sick.

I believe that this world is slightly alienated. Never had empathy, some just do not disturb each other.
But I also firmly believe that one day, everyone will be able to pull out the small stake in their heart.
Say something:
I cannot approve of you, but I still support and defend your right to be yourself.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Shopping Cart