Sex is the original sin
I grew up in a Mormon environment. I was taught that if I saw a beautiful girl and found out that I had sexual thoughts about her, I had to get rid of those dangerous and evil thoughts right away – sing hymns or do something else to distract me. I was told that if these thoughts continued, they would lead to more sin – “flesh and sensual” always “evil” (from Mosiah 5; 13), “Those who do not do this” are “traitors to God” (Mosiah 3; 9). But despite my hard work, I couldn’t help being attracted to girls, which made me feel impure and ashamed.
As a teenager I wondered what it was like to be naked and what sex was all about. But I never knew what the structure of the female body was like until I got married, and I didn’t have sex until I understood. In the ignorance of adolescence, the lingerie advertisements sent to the Internet mailboxes and the pictures of girls in bikinis on the forums attracted me like a mysterious force. Occasionally I also see pictures of actual nudes, times when shame, excitement and satisfaction mix, sometimes with masturbation.
After looking at these pictures, I always get on my knees and ask God for forgiveness. The shame and guilt are about to overwhelm me, and I’m afraid I’m going to make God angry. Usually prayers return a moment of inner peace, but I believe I am hopeless and impossible to forgive, unless I ask them to take me to church for communion on Sunday this week and confess to the bishop, so I can Only then can I get a deeper cleansing and washing, to ensure that I am always heartfelt to the Lord. However, confessing to a bishop is a very shameful thing, and I can only keep reminding myself that lust comes next to murder in the seven deadly sins (Alma 39; 5). I knew I had to work harder to reject this part of my nature.
Imperfect perfection
To make up for the “mistakes” I’ve committed, I try to remain a “righteous person”, strictly obeying the commandments in all aspects of my life, being as clean and faithful as possible. I don’t listen to rock music, only classical music and hymns; I don’t read novels, only the Bible and other holy scriptures; I avoid sports that are “too violent” and eventually become a musician; Make it a habit to go to church, try not to go to parties, dances, watch B-movies, or try anything that might “diminished” my spiritual strength.
On the surface I tried my best to be perfect, but deep down I still felt filthy because I had some unclean secrets. I still can’t help being attracted to girls, I can’t stop thinking about them, sometimes looking at pictures and imagining doing something to them. I feel like I’m utterly broken, and pray that these feelings get out of my way so I don’t get distracted.
Then I told myself to stop watching anything that made me feel bad, including charts, commercials, or women’s cleavage that would tease me. If I saw it, I covered my eyes with my hands, or looked away, basking in guilty guilt. Sometimes I distract myself by singing hymns or reciting passages from the Bible that I remember. These measures worked to a certain extent, but they also had devastating consequences that I never imagined.
Teachings from church and teachers continued to influence me as I progressed through puberty. If I didn’t really like a girl, I shouldn’t have kissed her, much less tongue kissed (my current wife tongue kissed me once when we were dating, and while I was feeling good, I was inevitably guilty, So I told her to stop). Holding hands and hugs is “sex” enough for me, and I’ve been deprived of more joy in the process of constantly suppressing my feelings.
Expectant behavior
I am very much looking forward to getting married because only after marriage will all these desires and thoughts about sex stop bothering me. When I get married, I can watch a naked woman naturally lust for her, even have sex with her, and no one can blame me anymore. The pastors of the church also taught me that after getting married, I should have children of my own as soon as possible. So when I came to Japan for two years (I preach Mormonism in Japan), I started looking for a suitable marriage partner, and within a year I was officially married.
We were both virgins, I was 22 and she was 24. Although we have no sexual experience, we both know what to do and look forward to each other’s future life.
But we have almost all repressed our sexual desires for a lifetime. In Mormonism, women are expected to dress conservatively and show no part of their body as much as possible (make sure shoulders, knees, and tummy are covered, and don’t wear tight or thin clothing).
Sex life without "sex"
My wife and I had a really good first intercourse for us, after all we have nothing else to compare to.
But now it looks a little bad. We pray and invite God to be with us every time we go to bed, so we have felt God watching us in the room over the years. To a certain extent, this makes our every sexual intercourse more sacred and connected, yet this imaginary white-bearded guardian prevents us from a higher degree of intimacy, self-expression, and authenticity.
But so what? We have always believed that any sex and sexuality before marriage is bad, that the part of suppressing these emotions and ego is so natural and skilled that even after marriage, continuing to suppress sexual desires still seems so natural and does not allow We feel any discomfort.
It wasn’t until we left church, a few months later, that I realized how much I had been suppressing my sexuality, and I came to understand the fact that I didn’t accept who I was and who I really was.
I see a part of myself as bad, evil, and unable to love that part of myself. Even after I left the church, I tried hard to forget the good and bad comments the church gave me about sex, but seeing women and being attracted to them still made me feel guilty, and these effects couldn’t be wiped away all at once Lose.
Over time, through psychotherapy, writing, and self-awareness, I’ve come to accept that my body, and all the instincts and feelings it brings, is okay, that I’m okay to be myself, that it’s okay to be happy , it’s okay to have sex, it’s okay to like sex and have fun with it.
Recognize shame and love boldly
Shame is the feeling of “I did something wrong” and shame is the feeling of “I’m not good myself”. Both of these feelings are unpleasant, but they also teach us to understand what we and our beliefs are, and are therefore worth experiencing and feeling well. Once you understand why shame arises and where it comes from, you can then put aside external judgments, take responsibility for your choices, and accept who we are. Be true to who you are and how you feel in an intimate relationship.
Stop hiding, show who you are, and love what you don’t want to accept, we’re already fine. The amazing thing is that when we stop judging ourselves and our actions as good or bad, we also stop judging the good and bad of others, which makes understanding, love, and empathy all better embrace us.
I still haven’t completely eliminated sexual shame from my life, and I’m still scrutinizing myself and my desires all the time, but it’s much lighter than before, and the past has become a distant memory.
Now when I feel shame, instead of trying to avoid it, I embrace it and understand how it came about and what it means. With all the emotions pouring in, from pleasure and sexual pleasure to anger and shame, I’m also better able to make decisions that are responsible for myself, from love and wholeness.
I wish you one day, you can no longer stay in the shame and shadow, but start from that feeling, recognize who you are, and bathe in the sunshine that respects the feelings of your body.