If there is only one criterion for a partner, it must be: emotional maturity.
Maybe you won’t use the word “emotional maturity” to describe the imagination of the other half, but when we are dissatisfied with the relationship, we will say: Why do I always let him? Is it so hard to speak well? I want to find someone who is cheerful and comfortable to get along with. In fact, I want to find someone who is emotionally mature.
Dr. Robin Berman describes mature relationships in his book How to Spot an Emotionally Mature Person, and in a nutshell, you can see why being with an emotionally mature person is so comfortable.
01 Emotionally mature people manage their emotions
People who can’t regulate their emotions will go to two extremes. They are either very happy and full of passion, or they are emotionally broken down on small things and cry. It’s no surprise that small children scream in public, but if we see a middle-aged male swearing at a stranger who jumps in line, we’d assume something must have happened when he was a kid.
Emotionally mature people will use language carefully when expressing. Everyone will be disappointed with the other half, but never say: “Why are you so stupid?” Different language and tone will have different effects, Some have rattled both sides, while others have shown a willingness to change.
02 Emotionally mature people think of others
Compromise is an important lesson in emotional maturity. Emotionally mature people know that there are many ways to achieve a certain goal. One wrong step does not mean that you will fail. The other party’s approach may be different from ours, but it can also receive good results. Recognizing that there are many ways to achieve your goals is an important step in achieving mutual respect. In a relationship, it is important to maintain the relative independence of personality.
03 Emotionally mature people take care of themselves
By exercising, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep, they will also recognize their emotional needs. It’s good to have someone who cares about us all the time, but a lot of the time, we still have to rely on ourselves.
Likewise, in a relationship, we need to stop and focus on our own needs. Some people feel that they are born devotees, or that focusing on themselves is selfish, and we are better off avoiding that. If you are in a relationship where the other person always asks you to sacrifice unconditionally, then there is something wrong with the relationship.
Taking responsibility for yourself is a very important quality. Everyone makes mistakes, but when emotionally mature people screw up, they don’t make excuses, blame others, and complain, they take responsibility for themselves.
(Actually, you can’t do it, right? If you want to find an emotionally mature partner, you have to work harder.)
True maturity is learning to coexist rather than eliminate emotions
We usually say that someone is “stimulated” and then strives to be strong or downcast, which is actually an external manifestation of behavioral changes caused by internal psychological transitions. For example, when a person is alone in a new environment, or finds that he is not as good as others, or feels ashamed, or quietly dissatisfied, he experiences embarrassment/anxiety/guilt/jealousy/pain/defeat, etc., but all these feelings are Secondary emotions, the primary emotions in their essence, are a person’s dissatisfaction with one’s own state.
But not everyone can face up to such primary emotions, and not everyone can take responsibility for their actions after facing them. Change begins with our acceptance of loneliness: that essentially we are only responsible for ourselves, and only we are responsible for ourselves.
Because of this emotional response and cognitive difference, "effort" has two completely different feelings and effects:
The first is that a person can be honest with himself, admit his inner painful emotions, and be able to recognize these emotions in a reasonable and healthy way. As a result, he can often face himself, gently accept the status quo, and bravely pursue it. The better self in that dream. At this time, the reason for his efforts is the pursuit of positive experience (pursue positivity), the release of subjective initiative, and the drive of curiosity/competitiveness. Such efforts make a person work harder and become more confident.
The second is that when a person stays in the stage of feeling secondary emotions, he cannot deeply explore his powerlessness and desire, face his true self, and even more difficult to accept such a self sincerely, and he hides and suppresses to varying degrees. . At this time, the reason for his efforts is to get rid of the negative experience (avoid negativity), to resist under fear, to challenge, not to grow.
It can be seen how important it is to face and accept your true feelings. When you cannot do this, the value of your efforts will be greatly reduced. But which challenges need to be fought and which ones should be abandoned?
The first situation is that a person can break through the secondary emotions and reach the recognition and acceptance of the primary emotions, so he can get more peace and tolerance after avoiding certain challenges; he will not be jealous of others’ uprising, I don’t want to ridicule others’ great downfalls. I can do this because I have experienced a loss that I can’t achieve with my dedicated efforts. I understand that a person’s situation has too many internal and external factors.
The second situation is often those who cannot break through the secondary emotions, do not have enough security to recognize and accept the primary emotions, so that when he gives up any challenge, he cannot be gentle and calm, and he has more feelings for himself/others in his heart. of dissatisfaction. Abandoning challenges in this state will inevitably make ta face life full of hostility, and often experience intense negative emotions. (Quoted from a psychological article “Real Maturity is Learning to Coexist with Your Anxiety”, author: Ren Xinni, modified)
No one can take care of your emotions better than you
In life, emotions are inevitable. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative. Every emotion has its positive meaning and can be used by us. But not everyone can find its positive meaning, and it is more difficult to use it.
A true story from a counselor: A girl, a boy she likes asked her out for dinner, and even brought her girlfriend without prior notice. Then the female classmate felt all kinds of grievances, discomfort, and anger… In order to show her indifferent generosity, she chose to endure the meal silently.
These are the two mechanisms we commonly use to deal with emotions: repression, which is accompanied by denial; and venting, which is accompanied by revenge.
As a person who has received Confucian culture, politeness, harmony and civilization education, it is not very allowed to vent emotions. Don’t allow yourself to cry, don’t allow yourself to make trouble, or even allow yourself to have emotions. Chinese people are very good at comforting themselves when they should not have emotions: the person who loves you will not make you wronged, and the person who makes you wronged is not worthy of you at all.
These two processes must be accompanied by another implicit process: I want you to be responsible for my emotions. Because you didn’t do a good job causing my emotions, I hope you can go back to the past and solve this so that I am not emotional now. Secondly, I will expect you to do something to change and take care of my current mood.
However, as adults, we can see at least 3 choices for everything. Habits can push us down a single path, but awareness can set us free.
After I have emotions, the first step is always to be aware and see my emotions. The second step is to decide, to decide how I want to take care of my emotions. No one knows how to take care of your own emotions better than you, and because of these two steps, no one has it easier than you.
For emotions, we have many ways to take care of it:
Delayed venting. I admit that there are indeed some situations that are not suitable for venting emotions, such as being scolded by leaders or customers. We can temporarily suppress it for a short period of time, and then wait for the opportunity to vent. Just like when you are injured, it will take some time to be taken to the hospital, but in this process, you should take care of yourself first, and stop torturing and neglecting yourself. You can clean up by going for a run, working out, yelling, finding someone to talk to, etc.
Sublimation and competition. Sublimation is about making emotions a driving force for positivity. Any emotion we have, including sadness, grievance, hopelessness, helplessness, etc., is essentially an attack. When emotions can’t point to the outside world, they will turn to themselves and attack themselves. Since it is an attack, it should go to a place of value, and the way to sublimate it is to standardize it within the scope allowed by society, such as competition and hard work.
Deal with old wounds. Every emotion we generate is not simply the result of a current event, but is accompanied by unresolved resentment and grievance. Whenever a similar situation arises, we are particularly sensitive, and we are prone to experience feelings of abandonment, neglect, and denial, which can lead to emotions. It’s like our body, if you press it hard, it will hurt, but if it hurts too much, there must be a knot there. Therefore, every emotion reminds you: I’m sorry, you have an old injury that you haven’t dealt with.
Every emotion has something to say. How you limit yourself, how your subconscious resists, your emotions remind you one by one. For example, the girl’s limitation is “to take care of emotions is to vent them”, and she does not allow herself to do that. In fact, every exploration and cultivation of emotions is a process of breaking one’s own limitations again and again. This is the basic characteristic of a mature personality – freedom. (Quoted from a psychological article “No one knows how to take care of your emotions better than you”, author: Cong Feicong, with some modifications)
In the end, we tend to have an illusion about the other half: as if we have found a mature person, we can get out of the naive state ourselves. But the fact is that people who are willing to take the initiative to grow are more likely to meet mature people. The above has described what an emotionally mature person is like and how to take care of your emotions as a standard and a goal of self-growth.